the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
