i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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