Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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