I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
