i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
