Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
