Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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