Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
