oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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