I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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