I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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