end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
