Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
