Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
