you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
