I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
