My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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