Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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