I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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