OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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