if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
