I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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