one might say we're banned from that church
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
