just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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