I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
