they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
