I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
