I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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