He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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