I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
