I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
