All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
