The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
