I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
