So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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