you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
