There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
