i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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