I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
