She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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