i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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