Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
