hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
