The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
