I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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