uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
