Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
