I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
