My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
