If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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